His head droops as incredible tiredness washes over him. It's an obvious result after staying up too late the night before, glued to his computer.
Honestly, Juri knows he's the only one to blame for his own tiredness. He often chooses to sacrifice sleep for reasons only he understands. Or maybe there really aren't any reasons at all. He just can't bring himself to go to bed despite not accomplishing much or engaging in any productive procrastination, even if he decides to stay up.
Juri decides to fight against the tiredness. He corrects his position, straightens his back, and takes a look around.
Everything around him feels achingly familiar. The nostalgic scent of the place, the comforting symphony of clattering plates, and hushed conversations from nearby tables that are, to Juri's surprise, occupied. The usually quiet atmosphere of the place is unexpectedly lively on that day.
He finds himself unable to shake the feeling that this family restaurant, still run by Mrs. Inoue, holds a special place in his heart. Both then and now, its familiar atmosphere and comforting presence remain unchanged.
Already back in high school, this place used to be his and Hokuto's place to be. They'd always hang around there, talking and laughing about everything and nothing over cups of coffee or slices of pizza while trying their best to concentrate on homework. Sometimes, they didn't have enough money for more than two glasses of oolong team, but Inoue-san was always friendly enough to let them stay there over time, even when they were finished with their drinks long ago.
Honestly, it used to be mainly Hokuto who concentrated on finishing his homework. He'd allow Juri to copy his homework on those rare occasions when generosity struck him. Although, even in those cases, never without a gentle reminder about the importance of studying for their future.
Juri never cared about the school, not in the same way as Hokuto did. Hokuto was always the diligent one who talked about wanting to have good grades, get into a good university, and eventually get a good career in the academic field.
Juri can't help smiling faintly at himself when thinking about all that. Their lives really took different courses.
Hokuto went to study Japanese literature at the university right after high school. His courses have consisted of terms that Juri hardly knows what those words even mean. Now, it's Hokuto's last year at the university before finishing his master's, and he's been talking about applying for different PhD positions.
Juri can't help but silently admire the depth of Hokuto's knowledge and the sharpness of his mind. Hokuto possesses a keen intellect and a natural curiosity about the world around him.
Meanwhile, Juri himself - well. He is still trying to find what he'd like to do in his life. Deciding on a career felt tricky already back then, and he still hasn't completely figured it out. Juri wouldn't mind skipping the regular rat race for life if he had the choice. He'd rather focus on taking it easy, making his life consist of eating, sleeping and maybe some gaming.
Unfortunately, Juri can't live without a job because he doesn't have enough money for that kind of lifestyle. That's why he's been taking up part-time jobs, nothing too hard or tying him too much down. His last job at the construction site ended a month ago, and he feels it always takes time to get enough rest and recharge after such effort. Juri simply doesn't understand how most of the people go to work every weekday for years.
Juri's thoughts get interrupted as the doorbell jingles and Hokuto enters the diner. He automatically comes to their usual table, opting for a seat opposite Juri. The worn cushions let out a slight sound of a sigh as he settles in.
Hokuto is dressed in a suit, suggesting another day packed with job interviews. Juri can't help but smile at the thought of how Hokuto's unique fashion sense in his private life clashes with that strict academic world. Outside of work and important meetings, Hokuto embraces colorful outfits with bold patterns, sticking to his fashion motto: the weirder, the better.
Hokuto nods thankfully as Mrs. Inoue comes to place a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
"It's the first time of the day that I finally managed to take a seat," Hokuto says immediately. Even greetings aren't necessary when it comes to their familiar meetings.
Juri plays with his empty coffee cup. "Really? What's been eating up your time that much? To be honest, you do look like you've been through a war."
Hokuto lets out a sigh.
"The endless cycle of emails, calls, and interviews. It feels like I'm racing against the clock every day these days. And it's even worse as I can barely stay awake in the afternoon. This coffee is much needed."
"Maybe you should consider getting some good sleep?" Juri suggests.
Hokuto scoffs, rolling his eyes. "Coming from Mr. No-Sleep himself? I've seen you pull all-nighters more than once. I bet you stayed up way too late last night again."
Juri smirks in response, acknowledging the undeniable truth in Hokuto's words. It's one of the things he's always appreciated about Hokuto — his ability to convey even the harsh realities while never sounding judgmental.
Hokuto takes a sip of his coffee.
"So, any job applications in the works for you then?" he changes the subject.
Juri shrugs. "Just thinking about it, you know. Contemplation's the first step, right?"
Hokuto hums and lowers his gaze to his coffee cup. "Maybe you can continue your contemplation by sending your resume to that place I mentioned to you?"
"Hmm, maybe. I promise I'll do it next week."
Juri observes the faint smile on Hokuto's face. He can't stop thinking about the difference between them. He remembers that Hokuto once said they wouldn't even get along if they met now. They're so different, everything about their lives is as different as it could possibly be. Most probably, Hokuto can't even slightly relate to Juri's feelings about why job hunting feels like such a burden, but at least he doesn't keep pushing him about it in an uncomfortable way. Juri just wouldn't want to disappoint him.
They fall quiet, and Hokuto takes his laptop from his bag, opens it, and starts typing something. For some time, the only sound is Hokuto's fingers tapping away on his laptop keyboard.
Juri pulls out his earphones, puts them on, and reclines halfway on the table, sinking into the soft booth cushions. As he picks a playlist and the music starts playing, he feels himself getting drowsy again. Everything blurs, and he is caught in that hazy middle ground between being awake and asleep.
He's not sure how much time ends up passing in that state.
At some point, Juri is stirred from his half-awake state as Hokuto shuts down his laptop with a soft click. Juri rubs his eyes and yawns while Hokuto puts the computer away.
Hokuto stretches his arms high above his head, arching his back to relieve the apparent stiffness. He glances at his watch.
"I gotta go," he says.
Juri looks and nods at him. There's never enough time with Hokuto, he thinks.
They've been friends for years, yet it feels like as they've grown up, each hangout is just a brief moment, slipping away too fast. Juri has wondered more than once if Hokuto finds these meet-ups too repetitive and if he'd prefer doing something special for once. But as much as the idea crosses Juri's mind, he also dismisses it just as quickly. He personally isn't looking for anything special. Not with his life nor with his free time.
For Juri, whenever they are together, the simple joy of being together and doing nothing holds a special spot. It's like a precious piece of the past that he cherishes. And no matter how much things change, these moments in a well-worn diner with Hokuto are the most reliable things in his life. Maybe some things are meant to stay the same, and Juri is perfectly content with that. He's not a fan of change.
"Got exciting plans for the weekend?" Hokuto asks.
Juri chuckles but feels a hesitation in his mind.
"Yeah, you know me," he says vaguely, brushing off the question.
Hokuto nods and smiles. "Oh, another date coming up?"
Juri falls silent, his gaze fixed on the coffee stain on the table as he idly traces his fingers along its edges.
A long time ago, he unintentionally planted the idea in Hokuto's mind that most of his weekend evenings were filled with different girls, each date more exciting than the last.
During high school and for a while after moving into his own apartment, Juri did used to go on quite a few dates. However, he eventually realized that meeting up with some cool or cute girl wasn't just time-consuming but also incredibly energy-draining. The best outcomes he ever got from those dates were some quick one-night stands. While the sex was okay in those cases, it was never mind-blowing. It always improved with regular encounters, but Juri could count on one hand the number of times he met with his date again, let alone slept with them.
Juri mentioned his wild dating life as a half-joke, a casual passing comment the first time, but Hokuto immediately took it to heart. Juri didn't mind that Hokuto didn't ask for too many details about it. However, the problem arose when Juri pretty much stopped the habit, but Hokuto continued to hold onto an image of Juri's life that was no longer accurate.
To this day, Juri never corrected this image Hokuto has about him. Mostly because he doesn't want to portray himself as a loser whose weekly highlight is simply meeting Hokuto.
No one wants or needs a friend who's too clingy or overly attached.
Juri hasn't been on a proper date in months. If he were to think about why, besides it being tiring, he might find more feelings and thoughts blocking him. But he doesn't want to dive into that pool of self-reflection yet. It's a place he's not ready to explore. He's fine with things as they are. Why overthink and stress over it, anyway?
"Something like that," he murmurs in response to Hokuto's inquiry.
Hokuto simply nods, maybe sensing that Juri isn't willing to go any deeper with the topic. He starts gathering his belongings to leave and eventually wishes Juri a good rest of the evening.
When he opens the door, he glances over his shoulder one more time to smile gently in Juri's direction. It's his habit, always doing the same thing.
Juri watches Hokuto through the window.
The faint glow of streetlights throws a soft ambiance outside. Juri follows as Hokuto takes his bike and places his bag into the front basket. He drapes a scarf around his neck, the ends fluttering behind him as he waves a cheerful goodbye to Juri before cycling away.
Juri keeps his gaze fixated on the direction where Hokuto gradually disappears.
*****
To this day, Juri has kissed Hokuto twice.
One of those times was on a rainy day back in high school. They were standing close together under a shelter, waiting for the rain to stop. Juri felt something special in that moment, with the sound of raindrops falling around them. Without much thought, he leaned in and softly kissed Hokuto's lips.
It was just a simple kiss, and Juri withdrew from it before Hokuto could react. Maybe deep in his mind, Juri was afraid of rejection. Or maybe he was simply afraid of the aftermath that would follow if it got more intense.
But the length of the kiss turned out to be perfect. Hokuto responded with a bright smile, his expression only slightly puzzled but devoid of anger.
"Just felt like doing that," Juri explained, trying to play it cool.
Hokuto simply hummed in response, and they silently agreed to let the moment pass without further discussion.
The second time Juri kissed Hokuto happened after a Christmas gathering with some of Hokuto's university friends.
Hokuto introduced them to Juri using first names such as Mone, Sakura and Jesse. Except for one guy they all simply called Kochi by his surname. It was a fun night, getting to know Hokuto's friends. They were all funny and not too serious, and Juri was glad he didn't feel left out, even though he wasn't a student himself.
On their way home, Hokuto suggested they stop by a vending machine to grab some drinks. Snowflakes were falling lightly, a rare scenery in Tokyo in December.
Hokuto chose a can of hot milk coffee with extra sugar to warm himself up. He opened the can and kept drinking the drink while watching Juri funnily under his fringe. Juri watched him back, feeling a swell of affection in his chest. At that moment, with the soft glow of the vending machine illuminating them, Juri simply couldn't resist leaning in to kiss Hokuto.
Hokuto tasted like overly sweet sugar, but the warmth and the moisture of his lips and mouth made the kiss feel incredibly good.
When they pulled away, Juri simply said, "Let's go," as if nothing had happened.
Just like the first time, they didn't talk about the kiss afterward.
Later, once back home and while lying in his bed, Juri quickly wondered about their kiss. Was it just a friendly gesture, a quick moment of affection between close friends, or did it mean something more? Hokuto reacted warmly, but it wasn't overly romantic, adding to Juri's confusion. Even now, after all these years, Juri still hasn't figured it out.
Juri isn't sure what he himself ever felt about these shared kisses either. But strangely, to this day, Juri has never been too bothered by this uncertainty. Even though he may be forever unsure about the meaning of their kisses and his feelings about them, their friendship has stayed strong, not affected by the possible doubts.
And, after all, that's all that really counts for Juri.
*****
On a Sunday night, Juri ends up at a nearby bar, which is quite unusual for him. He prefers staying in rather than going out, especially on weekends. But of all people, Taiga managed to drag him out to join him for a night out.
Before that, Juri even stayed indoors at home for two whole days straight, which made his worried mother call him. She asked if Juri was okay, concerned that he hadn't moved from his spot according to his GPS location that she actively follows. To this day, she really has no trust in Juri that he's really a functional adult who manages to live by himself without her constant supervision.
He's about to take a sip from his second beer when Taiga's voice calls him out beside him.
"World is calling Tanaka Juri."
Juri blinks and turns to look at Taiga. They're sitting side by side, nestled against the smooth wooden surface of the bar counter.
"Sorry, what did you just say?"
"I have a feeling that you just dozed off for the whole minute. I was just explaining how I mastered the newest One Piece ending song at the karaoke with 97 points, my personal record!"
Juri chuckles dryly at that. It's a typical kind of nonsense talk from Taiga.
He actually doesn't meet with Taiga that often - it happens only maybe once in two months. They all were high-school buddies, but unlike Juri's tight bond with Hokuto, Taiga was and still is the guy who's just a bit too weird for the world's good. Everyone knows about Taiga's nerdy quirks, such as his penchant for collecting anime figures and randomly dropping obscure trivia about manga artists into casual conversations.
But when thinking about Taiga, in a weird way Juri does appreciate his pretty face and acknowledges the strange yet fascinating aura the guy has around him.
Similar to Hokuto's qualities, he suddenly catches himself thinking, and the thought makes him a little bit sad. Because there's still a crucial difference between those two. He doesn't feel his heart flutter warmly in the same way with Taiga as it does when he's with Hokuto.
Juri's phone vibrates in his pocket, and he quickly fishes it out. A message from Hokuto lights up the screen.
How's the date going? ^^
Juri feels a slight grimace forming in his mouth as he reads the message. It's odd how it feels like he's inadvertently lying to Hokuto.
Taking another quick glance at Taiga, who is now engrossed in his own phone, Juri mulls the situation. Technically, he isn't lying because he has never explicitly mentioned anything about going out with a girl to Hokuto. It's just that Hokuto has formed his own assumption about Juri's weekend plans. Juri never corrected him, but he didn't say they were true, either.
Juri decides to refrain from responding and casually tucks his phone away.
"What's wrong? Why are you sighing so much?" Taiga asks. He takes a casual sip of his beer as he puts his phone away.
"Hokuto just sent me a message asking how the date's going."
Taiga looks confused.
"Date? Who's on a date with whom?"
Juri smiles faintly and doesn't need to say anything before the revelation hits Taiga. Taiga's eyes widen and he gets even paler than usual in a matter of seconds as he nearly chokes on his drink.
"You and me?! Oh my god, please do not confess now because you're a great guy, but--"
Juri sighs and utters a dry laugh. "No, this isn't anything like that. Hokuto just seems to think I am on a date. With some girl."
Taiga still looks bewildered. "And how's that possible? As far as I'm concerned, we're two friends having some beer on Sunday night."
"I might just have accidentally given him that impression."
"Accidentally?"
"It's complicated," Juri states, realizing how stupid the situation sounds even to himself.
Taiga shakes his head. "You know, for someone who's always claimed you and Hokuto share everything, it's surprising you're so weird about this. You two have been like peas and carrots since high school, and it never seemed to end. I honestly thought you guys were already dating a long time ago."
Juri ignores the sudden feeling that he feels in his chest upon hearing Taiga's words. He shakes his head in denial.
"That's ridiculous. We're just good friends. That's it. And we share everything, except that I'm not always quick enough to tell him all that everything before he makes his own stupid predictions."
Taiga leans back, taking another sip of his beer before continuing.
"Well, maybe it's time to reconsider what you're sharing and what you're not. Sometimes, some things are the most obvious to everyone else. Like when two people are in love and should just get together."
Juri watches Taiga blankly.
"Since when did you of all people become some kind of love doctor? Go back to your games and anime figures and leave that relationship advice to the experts."
Taiga smirks. "Well, you know, I've consumed my fair share of shonen-ai. I can see things when there are things to see."
Juri glares at him, unconvinced. "This isn't a manga or anime, Kyomo. It's real life."
"Real life can be more dramatic and romantic than any fiction, my friend. Just saying."
Juri shakes his head.
Maybe there's some truth behind Taiga's words. Perhaps Juri should think thoroughly about what he wants from Hokuto. But the thought of their relationship changing in one way or another scares him too much. So, he already somewhere deep inside knows he won't do that.
*****
The next day, Juri makes good on his promise to Hokuto and sends his resume to one of the companies Hokuto suggested. Feeling accomplished, he drops the letter in the post box and continues on his way through the shopping center.
Everywhere is full of sounds and sights, and Juri never feels too comfortable in such surroundings. People hurry past, their conversations blending into a cacophony of noise.
But suddenly, something catches his eye that helps him to ignore the bustling for a moment. There's a display of adorable red panda plushies in a nearby store window.
Memories flood his mind as Juri gazes at the plushies. He recalls a sunny afternoon many years ago when he and Hokuto visited the zoo together. It was one of those rare occasions when they had the whole day to themselves, free from the constraints of school or studying. They spent hours watching the playful antics of the cute red pandas, laughing and joking as they soaked in the simple joy of being together. After the zoo visit, they cycled to Mrs. Inoue's diner to share one plate of spaghetti.
That memory feels like a lifeline. It's unbelievable it happened such a long time ago, yet two of them have managed to keep things between them unchanged.
And despite its mundaneness, it's one of Juri's best memories about himself and Hokuto.
Juri enters the store and makes his way to the display of plushies. The soft fur and cute faces bring a smile to his lips. He picks up two, one for Hokuto, and one for himself.
Later that week, when Juri meets Hokuto at the diner, he presents him with the plushie, a sheepish grin on his face.
"I saw this and couldn't resist," he explains. "It reminded me of our zoo trip."
Hokuto's eyes light up with delight as he accepts the plushie.
"You still remember that visit! But aw, it's so cute! Thank you, Juri."
But Juri isn't done yet. He reaches into his bag and pulls out another plushie identical to the one he just gave Hokuto.
"And I got one for myself, too," he says, showing the little red panda. He's sure he manages to be maybe a bit too eager about the idea of them having matching mascots. But he also knows he's not the only one, as Hokuto looks as thrilled as Juri feels.
The whole situation is a bit silly and childish. But this is one of the few things they have in common. They've never really cared much about what others think of them.
Hokuto bursts into delighted laughter as Juri places the plushies to sit on the table side by side.
"You never fail to surprise me," he says, shaking his head fondly.
*****
Juri's next week goes pretty much the same way again: gaming, sending his resume to some companies, and chilling at home. He keeps up with Hokuto through messages, but Hokuto's responses are taking longer and longer.
Juri figures Hokuto's just having another busy week because, at some point, all Juri gets are delayed likes and emoji reactions to his spam of messages. It's like talking to a wall, and Juri notices he's feeling a little bit lonely. He gets that Hokuto's got stuff going on, but it still kind of sucks.
But as the following Thursday finally rolls around, it's another good evening with Hokuto, and Juri can immediately forget about his loneliness.
This time, Hokuto isn't so busy with the university stuff, and there's no need for him to do any work with his laptop, so they take a good moment just to talk and laugh over different jokes. Juri feels relieved that despite Hokuto being a little bit busy from time to time, they manage to keep up with their habit and not make dramatic changes.
They end up revisiting their high school memories once again. They chat about the funny teachers, the times they burned the midnight oil studying, and all the gossip in high school.
Juri should know better that it's getting closer to the dangerous zone as their discussion moves to a specific part - who was dating whom, which couples are still together, and who got married or who ended up as a single parent.
When there comes a pause, Hokuto's face suddenly gets a bit serious, looking like he's deep in thought. He turns to Juri.
"By the way," Hokuto starts, "I've been thinking. With my master's almost done, maybe it'd be time for me to try dating someone for real. Any tips for a newbie like me? Where do I even begin? What kind of a person should I look for?"
Juri hesitates. Why does a conversation like this have to come all of a sudden without any warning? Juri doesn't like unpredictability as much as he doesn't like the changes.
"I don't know," Juri mutters slowly and shrugs. "Relationships aren't exactly my strong suit. You're asking the wrong guy."
"Aren't you the one always running on dates every weekend? You must have some insights to share."
"Going on dates is a whole different thing from actually seeing someone regularly."
"Hm, but you still have much more experience of that than I do."
Juri shrugs again, avoiding Hokuto's look.
"Well, I don't have that much experience with guys, and you're mostly interested in them. Can't say much about them."
Yet, Hokuto is clearly unwilling to let go of the topic with that.
"Come on, Juri," Hokuto continues insisting, undeterred as Juri still doesn't go on. "We've been friends for years, and I trust your opinion. Besides, who knows me better than you? What kind of a person would you like to see me with?"
Juri turns to watch Hokuto and swallows.
What he truly wants to say is that Hokuto should stop considering dating anyone, he should be satisfied with what they have because Juri himself is perfectly content like this. With their little meetings every Thursday, hidden from the rest of the world. Who even needs the change in a situation like this when everything is perfectly well?
But at the same time, as Juri keeps observing Hokuto, a deep sense of understanding comes to his mind. Hokuto wants to see the change - he wants to go on in his life, relationships, everything.
Juri does know what Hokuto would appreciate in a partner. And that's what Hokuto deserves. He deserves the most perfect partner and even more than that. Exciting new adventures, not dwelling on the past.
"Good-looking. Ambitious. An academic degree, preferably even higher than that. Non-smoker, definitely no drugs, drinking only in a civilized manner. A keen sense of fashion. Someone who can take care of you," Juri lists.
At the same time, silently, Juri acknowledges that he wouldn't fit into that description. He's not a druggie or keen on going out, but he's not exactly civilized either. Compared to Hokuto, his university friends, and the people he'd possibly like to date, Juri is just a somebody in Hokuto's life, nothing special in the end. He's just a somebody who will eventually turn into a nobody once Hokuto is ready to flip onto the next page of his life.
Hokuto nods thoughtfully, clearly on the verge of saying something, but then hesitates.
"I see, sounds about right," he simply replies after a brief pause. His face looks a little bit weird.
"Why not try those dating apps for university students?" Juri suggests.
It feels wrong to push the idea to Hokuto because he genuinely wouldn't want to do so. But he tries to remind himself that Hokuto deserves it. Hokuto dating someone has nothing to do with Juri.
"Dating apps?" Hokuto laughs, a dry undertone in his voice. "Honestly, I don't know much about them. Maybe I should just give up on the whole idea. It sounds too complicated."
"Your choice," Juri hums back.
Deep down, he's secretly satisfied with Hokuto's response. But at the same time, he feels incredibly guilty for feeling like that.
"Besides, why would I need anyone to date in the end?" Hokuto says carefreely. "I have you."
Juri feels torn between nodding in agreement and shaking his head in disagreement, but neither response feels quite right.
So, he decides to say nothing at all, unable to express his thoughts in words.
*****
Juri firmly believes that playing online games together is one of the best ways to stay connected with other people. Why would anyone bother with loud bars or colorful arcades when one can simply stay at home and talk to their friends over the game?
It's Shintaro on the other side of the line today, and their team will probably lose soon, but it only means they will have one more round later.
"I have a problem," Juri suddenly says to the voice-chat.
Shintaro, still clearly focused on the game, responds promptly. "Need me to come to heal your character? Where are you on the map?"
"No, not in the game. I mean, I have a real-life problem."
Maybe the timing isn't perfect, but Juri just needs to talk to absolutely anyone because he feels like he might explode at any moment. Thankfully, Shintaro is always there to lend a sympathetic ear.
"Oh. What's up?"
"I have a person I really like but shouldn't."
"Sounds complicated," Shintaro agrees.
"Yeah, it is," Juri says, "I mean, we're so different, but I find myself caring for them, wanting the best for them. I kind of would like to be with them romantically, and I'd like to confess to them."
"Mmmmh. Then what's stopping you?"
"I'm actually afraid they might feel the same about me."
"That doesn't sound like a real problem to me."
"The thing is, even if they felt the same about me, I don't know how to deal with that from then on."
"Maybe, I don't know, you should just say that aloud for them then that you're insecure about it?"
Juri grimaces at the thought. "And then what? It's not like that'd be a solution."
The situation is really hopeless. He utters a sigh before continuing.
"On top of that, this person is everything I'm not, which would make it difficult for us to be together, to begin with."
Shintaro doesn't have time to answer as Juri barrels on even more.
"Have you ever been in a situation like that? Where logic and reason seem to take a backseat, and you're only left with this kind of inexplicable feeling?"
Shintaro doesn't take long before responding, his thoughtful tone carrying into Juri's headphones.
"No, but isn't that the most straightforward thing, though? You like the person, and they like you back. It's not like you would need any reasoning."
"It's not that simple. We're like night and day, polar opposites. It's not the typical romantic story. It's more like we come from two different worlds."
Shintaro's response is calm and measured. "Sometimes, the best things come from the most unexpected mixes. I mean, have you ever tried oil and balsamic vinegar together? Delicious."
Juri can't help but smirk at the analogy. Typical Shintaro.
"Love isn't a salad dressing," he says. "It's messy, complicated, and something that leaves one confused."
"Maybe," Shintaro acknowledges, "but it's also what makes it exciting. Predictability can also be boring, you know?"
"You make it sound so easy."
"Just talk to this person. Tell them how you feel, tell them about your insecurities."
"First Kyomo, and now you," Juri sighs.
"Huh? What about Kyomo?"
"Don't ask. He's even worse than you."
*****
As Juri cycles with his bike to their usual diner, his mind wanders back to his earlier conversation with Shintaro. Shintaro's advice about being honest with himself and with Hokuto echoes in his thoughts, and he can't shake off the feeling that maybe it's soon time to confront his feelings head-on.
It's a scary idea, almost frightening, to be honest. But maybe he could finally admit the truth to himself and Hokuto about why he's been avoiding so many things in his life. Perhaps it's because he's afraid that something might change between himself and Hokuto if he does.
When Hokuto arrives at the diner, his eyes meticulously scan the familiar surroundings until they lock onto Juri. The usual exchange of nods and smiles takes place as Hokuto approaches.
Yet, this time, instead of taking a seat, Hokuto stays standing next to the table with an unreadable expression on his face.
Juri can tell in a second that something's wrong.
Finally, after a moment's pause, Hokuto opens his mouth hesitantly.
"Hey," he begins, his voice revealing that subtle uncertainty. "I... I can't stay for long tonight. I actually have a date. My tutor asked me out."
Juri's heart plummets like a rock into water.
He's been such a fool, letting himself hope for something more when he should have known better.
Of course, Hokuto has a date. Now that Juri thinks, most probably Hokuto had many dates even before, but they just never talked about them. It's not improbable that he's been on many prior to this without ever mentioning them. Every now and then, Hokuto has also casually mentioned his tutor, making him sound like a dream boyfriend, so it all makes sense.
"Really? That's great. Have fun," Juri says, maybe a bit too quickly.
Underneath it all, there's still a twinge in his chest, a feeling he's trying hard to push aside.
Hokuto hesitates, his eyes searching Juri's.
"You're not angry? I mean, it's our weekly meeting here, and I feel terrible for ditching you without warning like this. I can totally cancel the date."
Juri tries his best to drag his lips upwards, but it must look wry. "Don't be ridiculous."
"I can contact him, tell him we should meet on some other day. I don't mind rearranging my plans. These meetings are important to me, after all..."
"Hokuto."
"What?"
"It's fine. I can arrange a date for myself tonight, too. No problem. It's not like this would be the highlight of my week."
Hokuto still wears a hesitant expression.
"I'll manage without you," Juri adds, his tone more cutting than he intended.
Juri almost swears that a trace of disappointment is flashing in Hokuto's eyes, but it would make no sense.
"I see," Hokuto finally says. Then he offers a small polite smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes, a look that Juri can't interpret.
"Meet me next week here then?" Hokuto tries.
"I'm not sure. I might be busy," slips from Juri's mouth.
"Oh. I see. Well, I guess I'll see you around then?"
"Yeah, maybe."
Hokuto's expression stays serious. Then he excuses himself and wishes Juri a good weekend. Juri doesn't know why, but there's an awkward feeling between them. He remains quiet, just watching as Hokuto walks across the diner to the front door.
The door swings open, and the doorbell jingles. Hokuto doesn't utter a single last glance at Juri before he steps outside.
It stings more than Juri expected it to.
He always knew this day would come, and things wouldn't stay the same forever. The change has always been something inevitable, lurking behind the corner, even whether Juri wanted it or not.
But despite being mentally prepared, Juri feels the sting.
Like always, Juri's gaze follows Hokuto through the window, observing the subtle dance of the evening breeze in his hair as he unlocks his bike. It's a pattern they've done countless times, yet tonight everything feels different.
Unlike every time before, Hokuto doesn't raise his head to wave to Juri through the window either, breaking their tradition that's become a comforting constant.
Juri is confused. It feels like Hokuto is upset, even though Juri should be the one being angry at him. After all, it's Hokuto who changed their plans, not Juri. In all of Juri's logic, Hokuto shouldn't be upset with him.
The situation leaves Juri feeling puzzled and a little hurt, like there's something unsaid in the air.
Hokuto puts earphones into his ears and cycles away.
*****
After that, Juri remains at the diner for a long while, rolling his coffee cup in his hands.
Mrs. Inoue, noticing Juri's prolonged stay, comes over and gently inquires why Hokuto didn't stay longer. Juri shrugs indifferently and replies that Hokuto is occupied today. But Mrs. Inoue can probably sense something more beneath the surface as she keeps pushing the topic.
"Oh, but don't you feel a bit sad? After all, you've had this same routine for years. Every Thursday, you two meet here."
Juri rolls his eyes, dismissing the notion. He can't allow himself to feel sad, not over Hokuto finally getting the date he's been talking about. That'd be unfair.
"No, it's just a change in plans. That's all," Juri concludes. He's not sure if he's trying to convince more himself or Mrs. Inoue.
Mrs. Inoue shakes her head as she collects Juri's empty coffee cup on their tray.
"Is this really how youngsters deal with love these days?" she mutters.
*****
They don't talk throughout the week, and it's weird. Sometimes, Juri stares at his phone in his hand and wishes that if he stares at it long enough, it will send him a message from Hokuto. But nothing happens. So, Juri waits, feeling a bit anxious as each day passes without a word from Hokuto. And as even more time passes, he feels himself getting frustrated about it. Why does Hokuto think his behavior like that is acceptable in any way?
In the end, Juri is unsure if Hokuto will come to the diner next Thursday or not. He's even more unsure if he even wants Hokuto to come or not.
But Hokuto does, and when he sees Juri, he smiles in relief already from the doorway. However, Juri's expression stays serious, and Hokuto's smile immediately fades as he notices that.
As Hokuto settles into the seat across from Juri, an unusual tension permeates the air, thickening with each passing moment when they're not saying a word to each other.
Hokuto breaks the silence first. "So, you weren't that busy after all? Still managed to find time to come here."
Juri doesn't bother looking at him. Though he felt a flicker of strange relief at Hokuto's arrival, it was quickly overshadowed by the awkwardness of the moment Hokuto brought with him.
"Yeah," Juri says.
"Aren't you going to ask how my date went?"
"No, I'm not really interested in dates."
Honestly, Juri couldn't care less about Hokuto's date. Not even a tiny bit. He knows he's being a terrible friend, but he's just too exhausted to keep up the charade any longer. Especially when Hokuto hasn't shown the slightest interest in Juri's (although nonexistent) love life. Or interest in anything in Juri's life. It's always about Hokuto, his dates, his dreams, and his goals, while Juri gets brushed aside.
Juri feels like he's nothing more than a disposable comical sidekick in Hokuto's otherwise glamorous life. Hokuto moves forward while Juri remains stuck in place. Just like last week's Thursday when Hokuto walked out the door without a final glance over his shoulder, simply leaving Juri behind just like that.
A subtle disappointment settles over Hokuto's features, and maybe he's about to say something to that, but he refrains from pushing the conversation any further.
Hokuto leans in, his gaze skimming over the menu as if expecting to find something new, even though both of them know every dish by heart. "So, what would you like to eat?
Juri can't believe his ears. He's not hungry, not in this situation. How can Hokuto even think about food, let alone change the subject just like that? Juri would like to question why Hokuto even bothered coming if he was going to act like this. But instead, he swallows his words, opting for a nonchalant shrug.
"Doesn't matter. We can go with whatever you want," he eventually says, a little bit tightly.
"How about Japanese-styled pasta?" Hokuto tries. He's really trying to ignore the elephant in the room.
"I'm not frankly feeling that, but... okay sure," Juri says reluctantly.
Hokuto's brows furrow. "Why would you say it doesn't matter if it does?"
"Why are you asking me if you've decided already it's what you want?" Juri asks back.
Hokuto doesn't respond right away. His expression clouds with uncertainty, as do his words as he eventually answers.
"Because your opinion does mean something to me. I'm totally fine with something else, but I'd just like you to say it directly to me."
Juri isn't sure if they're still discussing the menu or if something else has crept into the conversation entirely. He wishes he could understand Hokuto's thoughts even slightly better.
They've often joked that Juri knows Hokuto like the back of his hand, but now, faced with this moment of ambiguity, he realizes there might be depths to Hokuto's mind that even he has no idea about. It's like they've been too content with the thought that they know each other the best while, in reality, they have no actual idea what the other one is up to. Everything they have is based on this little worn-out diner and their short Thursday meetings.
"My date was a nightmare," Hokuto confesses. "I didn't enjoy my time with him at all."
Juri raises his head.
"And what are you expecting me to say to that?" he asks.
"I just thought you should know how it went, although you keep insisting it's not something you'd like to hear about," Hokuto explains, his tone oddly casual. "But isn't that what friends do? Share all kinds of stuff with each other?"
There's a slight pause before he continues.
"Okay fine. I... I didn't actually go on the date," he then admits.
Juri's not sure if he heard it right. "What do you mean you didn't go?"
Hokuto avoids Juri's gaze.
"Your reaction messed me up so badly that I couldn't bring myself to go through with it. I just... went home."
"Reaction?" Juri scoffs. "So, just because you canceled our plans and I wasn't good at pretending it's perfectly okay for me, you call it a 'reaction'?"
"I thought you'd say something else to that. I mean, I didn't go because--"
"I should now thank you on my knees? That kind of a simple idiot I'm to you?"
"No, but because I know you haven't been honest with me either."
"How come-?"
"I saw you with Kyomoto. And don't even start to consider lying to me again that he'd be your secret date! The guy wouldn't date anyone unless they charmed him with a real-life-sized dragon figure from the Harry Potter land."
Usually, a conversation like that with Hokuto would be the funniest thing ever, talking this and that about the people they both know. But Juri doesn't find the situation fun at all, he can't even think about draining any sense of humor from the situation.
Juri doesn't say anything.
"So," Hokuto presses, "all that talk about different dates was just all big fat lie all along?"
Juri feels trapped, cornered by Hokuto's accusing gaze. This is a confrontation he never wanted, yet here it is, unavoidable. He's indeed lied to Hokuto, and now there's no easy way to explain himself.
"I don't understand you at all," Hokuto sighs, sounding kind of lost and put down.
Juri bites his lip as he notices there's indeed visible hurt and worry on Hokuto's face as well.
"Can't you see how hard I'm trying here? I've put in so much effort," Hokuto says quietly. "But it's like you don't even care. I'm not like you, Juri. I can't spend every Thursday evening in this run-down diner forever."
He reaches across the table, taking Juri's hand in his own. But the gesture lacks warmth, and Juri can't shake the feeling of coldness between them.
"I need something more, something that leads somewhere," Hokuto adds, his voice trailing off.
Then, as if making a decision, Hokuto pulls his hand back and looks at Juri with a determined expression before he speaks. "I need to go somewhere, anywhere. I simply need something that goes on in some direction. But I can't do it alone. If you want to come along, then fine. But I can't force you."
Before Juri can respond, Hokuto goes on even more with a trembling voice.
"I've tried so hard to understand you, to make this work. But I can't keep suffocating myself just because you refuse to change. I wish you'd let me in, let me understand you. But I can't do this so-called friendship anymore. Not like this."
Juri lowers his head, unable to look him in the eye.
It's his fault entirely for making Hokuto feel like that. Yet, Juri still can't pull himself to say anything. He doesn't believe that any words coming from him could help Hokuto to feel any better. Admitting it feels like a bitter pill to swallow.
"It's okay," Juri mumbles, looking down. "I know I'm just not that fun to be around."
"For fuck's sake Juri, love isn't all about fun!"
With a weighted sigh, Hokuto rises from his seat, shoulders slumped under the burden of disappointment. He wipes his face violently, clearly not willing to show how hurt he is, but Juri can sense it. Without another word, Hokuto begins to turn away.
Juri watches him leave, feeling a heavy feeling in his chest. He'd like to stop Hokuto, shout behind him and ask him not to go, not to leave him.
But he's unable to do so. He knows he can't give Hokuto what Hokuto would need. As much as Juri would like to give it to him, he simply can't.
He knows he's upset Hokuto, and knowing he's hurt the person he wanted to hurt the least in the world is crushing. But he also knows he can't hurt them anymore. Juri can't promise something that he might doubt he can't keep. It'd be unfair for both of them.
As the door closes behind Hokuto, Juri can't shake the feeling that things between them might never be as they used to be before.
He's finally forced to look that scary future straight in the eye. But without Hokuto, it seems. And suddenly, the thought of the future feels even more frightening than it ever did in his mind before.
His hands shake, and he tries to count slowly to calm down. But before he reaches five, the first tear falls down onto the table.
*****
It's been two weeks since his last meeting with Hokuto.
Juri secures his first full-time job at a moving company. It's a job that's physically demanding and fills his days from early morning until late afternoon. As he signs the contract, his boss gives his appearance a skeptical glance, as if doubting Juri's commitment or ability to handle the job, but luckily, he doesn't make any comments aloud.
Waking up at 8 AM every morning feels like a shock to Juri's system, especially after years of sleeping in or staying up late. The long hours at work leave him physically exhausted, but oddly enough, it's a welcomed distraction from his thoughts.
But despite the busy work, Juri's mind continues to drift to Hokuto. He always believed life without Hokuto would be unbearable, but now he realizes it's even worse than he imagined. Juri finds himself missing every little thing about Hokuto all the time – his laughter, his quirky habits, the way he always knows just what to say in every situation.
He scolds himself for not being honest, both with Hokuto and with himself. If only he had been brave enough to confront his feelings and look ahead instead of dwelling on the past. But now, the chance for reconciliation seems lost, slipping away like sand through his fingers.
It's way too late to fix anything.
*****
"You're an idiot," Taiga tells him directly.
Juri knows he should have seen an intervention coming when Taiga comes to his apartment to pick up the box of tomatoes from their family's backyard that Juri's mother has sent to him. Sometimes, Juri swears his mother would rather adopt Taiga and exchange places with him. He knows he's not exactly the model son, especially when he compares himself to Taiga, who compliments his mother's tomatoes and cooking with enthusiasm that Juri can't even come close to matching. Taiga can also take care of himself much better than Juri does - he even gets a decent amount of sleep most nights.
"You miss him," Taiga then continues, sounding surprisingly kind.
"Who?"
"Oh please, I already told you you're an idiot, so no need to play any more dumb now. I mean Hokuto. You miss Hokuto."
Taiga hasn't brought up Hokuto since Juri saw him last time, and Juri wishes he wouldn't start now. But Taiga isn't precisely the type that would follow along with anyone's wishes, especially Juri's.
"Don't give up," Taiga then continues. "You can still make things right, but you gotta start by being honest with yourself and Hokuto."
Juri motions to interrupt, but Taiga is quicker.
"Don't even start. All I'm advising is to take things at your own pace. There's no need to rush into anything that doesn't feel right yet. Stop comparing yourself to everyone, and just listen to your gut. Be just yourself. Hokuto understands. Sure, he's such a weirdo, but let's face it, you're not any better. I'm convinced you two oddballs are a match made in heaven."
"But it's probably too late already anyway. He probably hates me," Juri mumbles with a sigh of defeat.
Yet, Taiga's reaction is anything but sympathetic. With an exaggerated eye roll, Taiga makes his point so clear that Juri can't help but see the truth in it.
"Maybe it's time you stopped assuming the worst and putting words into other people's mouths. From what I've understood, he's never said he hates you or that it's too late to make things right."
"I'm not sure," Juri says with uncertainty. He dislikes admitting that Taiga might be right yet again.
"Talk to him," Taiga gently advises before taking his leave, leaving Juri with those simple yet serious words to ponder.
*****
Juri quickly types a message to Hokuto on his phone.
Meet me at the diner in an hour
He sends the message, hoping Hokuto will understand the urgency. Then he frowns at the sent message, writes two more messages and sends them.
It's important
Please
Then Juri puts on his jacket and heads out, hopping on his bicycle and pedaling through the calm streets. The fresh breeze feels refreshing against his face as he approaches the diner.
When he arrives, Juri parks his bicycle in front of the entrance, making sure it's secure. Taking a moment to collect his thoughts, he glances towards the diner's entrance, wondering if Hokuto will come.
The idea scares him so much it makes him feel sick. He'd have rather stayed home and avoided dealing with this situation. But the thought of seeing Hokuto, maybe fixing everything, pushes him forward more than staying home does. Juri goes to sit down by the table.
When Hokuto arrives through the door, Juri's heart races.
"I thought you might not come," Juri admits when Hokuto is seated across him.
"You wanted to talk?" Hokuto answers simply. He's not smiling.
Juri takes a deep breath, gathering his courage to lay it all out.
"Look, I messed up. I lied to you and let you believe something about me that wasn't true, all because I was too scared to tell you the truth. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying silent, but I wasn't."
Hokuto nods, his eyes encouraging Juri to continue.
Juri takes a deep breath.
"I understand if you're angry," Juri continues, his voice shaky. "I just... I didn't want to lose you. But I see now that I've only been pushing you away by not being honest."
Hokuto's gaze softens slightly, but there's still a hint of hurt in his eyes.
"I'm sorry," Juri says, the words heavy with sincerity. "I don't expect you to forgive me right away, but I want you to know that I'm so sorry and I hope you can forgive me."
Hokuto sighs, running a hand through his hair. He looks thoughtful but not necessarily angry or sad any longer. Maybe it's a good sign. "I... I appreciate your honesty. But this isn't just about the lies. It's about us, and how we've been avoiding the truth for so long."
Juri nods, feeling a lump form in his throat. Hokuto is always on track.
"We need to talk about where we stand," Hokuto says finally.
Juri knows Hokuto's right. He now knows it. And he's ready to talk about it.
"The truth is," Juri starts bravely, and it even surprises himself how confident he feels. "I have feelings for you. More than just friendship, and I want to give us a chance if you're willing. I made a mistake by pushing you away because I was just too scared to confront my own feelings, but if you're still open to it and willing to give me a chance, I'm ready."
Hokuto listens intently.
As Juri takes a deep breath, he gathers the courage to say the final thing that's been weighing on his heart for so long.
"Hokuto, I... I love you," he confesses, his voice barely above a whisper.
Hokuto's eyes flicker in surprise, and for a moment, there's silence between them.
Then, unexpectedly, Hokuto reaches out and takes Juri's hand in his. "Juri, I love you too," he says softly, his voice filled with warmth and sincerity. "Just the way you are."
Relief floods through Juri as he hears those words, a weight lifted off his shoulders. He never dared to hope too much that Hokuto felt the same way, and yet here they are, finally laying their feelings bare. And it feels great, not scary at all.
Tears prickle at the corners of Juri's eyes as he squeezes Hokuto's hand tightly, but this time they're not tears of sadness. "I'm sorry it took me so long to say it."
"It doesn't matter any longer," Hokuto answers. "I wasn't any better."
Juri can't help but feel overwhelmed by Hokuto's kindness, wondering if he deserves it. But maybe, just maybe, it's time to stop doubting and start believing he deserves all that. He deserves Hokuto's care and love as much as Hokuto deserves his. There's a possibility of gaining happiness by creating something new with Hokuto.
"I don't want to pick up where we left off," Juri asserts, his voice steady despite the slight nerves still fluttering in his chest. "I want this to be different. I want us to go on a proper date, to really get to know each other. I want to see the person you are today, not just the memory of who you were in high school. We can ditch our Thursday meetings completely and do something totally different."
Hokuto's face lights up with a brilliant smile at Juri's words.
"The idea of starting us to get to know each other sounds good," Hokuto responds. "If you're willing to give it a shot, count me in too."
Juri can hardly believe his luck. Did Hokuto really agree so easily?
"But," Hokuto adds, his expression turning more serious, "I have one condition."
"Anything," Juri says right away.
"We don't have to ditch our Thursday meetings. In fact, this diner meeting could be a wonderful way to meet my hot boyfriend at least once a week during busy times. And give a show to Mrs. Inoue."
"How about we switch it to Wednesdays?" Juri suggests, a slight grin tugging at his lips.
Hokuto's face lights up with a grin of his own.
"Sounds like a plan."
Juri laughs at that. He feels relief wash over him as warmth floods his cheeks. He meets Hokuto's gaze and doesn't feel like avoiding that look at all.
"And what did you just call me?"
Hokuto watches him under his eyebrows and gestures for Juri to come closer so he can whisper against his ear.
"My hot boyfriend."
Then Hokuto stands up and reaches out his free hand for Juri to take. He's offering more than his hand, and Juri knows it. Without hesitation, he reaches out back and clasps Hokuto's hand in his own. It feels natural, like it's been all along meant to be.
Hokuto's hand is warm, so nicely warm, just like how he smiles to himself as he leads Juri outside of the diner.
"I haven't told you yet that I actually got a permanent job," Juri tells him by their parked bicycles.
"You?" Hokuto laughs. "Or are you saying that to impress me?"
"Don't think too high of yourself, Matsumura!"
"I just know how smitten you're with me."
Juri really wants to kiss the smug look off Hokuto's face. He wants to run his tongue along Hokuto's teeth, swallow his smile, have him in all possible ways. But there are potentially lots of prying eyes around them.
Then again, why should he care about such things? All that matters is that he has Hokuto.
Juri tugs Hokuto down by his jacket collar and whispers against his lips. "Come here."
*****
Mrs. Inoue glances out the window, curious about the scene outside. She squints, trying to see clearly in the dim evening light. As she focuses, she recognizes two familiar figures hugging tightly near the bicycles parked outside the diner.
A small smile forms on Mrs. Inoue's lips as she realizes it's the same young pair who come to the diner every Thursday. She's been watching their interactions over the weeks, noting the changes in their relationship.
Suddenly, the hug deepens, and the two figures move closer for a kiss. Mrs. Inoue quickly looks away, feeling a bit embarrassed to witness such a private moment. She may be old-fashioned in some things, but she believes that young people deserve their privacy, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
With a quiet cough, Mrs. Inoue turns back to work and continues collecting empty plates from the table.